An Eight-Letter Word
by Misty040
Summary: The incident at the lake which ends Lily and Snape's friendship, from Lily's point of view; one-shot, completed


I finish my sentence and put down my quill. My wrist's aching from all the writing and it's stiflingly hot here in the Great Hall. I flex my fingers and think longingly of this time tomorrow, when our last exam – Transfiguration – will be over. Flicking back through my Defence paper, I seem to have done OK; I haven't skipped any questions and nothing caused me too much trouble. Hopefully, I got an E. Or just possibly an O? It wouldn't be the first "Outstanding" I'd ever got in this subject, but it would be the one I was most proud of.  
I shut the paper and sigh, just as I hear Professor Flitwick at the front squeak, "Quills down, please! That means you too, Stebbins! Please remain seated while I collect your parchment. _Accio!"_ I watch my exam paper soar off my desk and meet the others, then the whole bundle flies towards Professor Flitwick – unfortunately knocking him down in the process. A couple of kids with surnames starting with "A" help him up and he tells us we're free to go.  
I stand and stretch and walk out the Hall, meeting my friends about halfway out. Alice Longbottom is trying to remove the ink from beneath her fingernails when I tap her on the shoulder. "How'd that one go?" I ask her.  
"OK," she says, and she sounds relieved. "I mean, not brilliantly, but OK… I think I might have passed, probably… maybe I got an E…."  
"Alice," I say. "You could get an Outstanding in Defence in your sleep!"  
"You're one to talk, Lily!" She grins. We catch up to our other friends and make our way outside, the air blissfully cool after the stuffy exam hall, even in the height of summer. We make our way over to the edge of the lake, laughing at Marlene's answer to question 6, which she's describing now with one of those what-am-I-like expressions on her face. Alice and I take off our shoes and socks and slide our feet into the murky water of the lake. I feel a delicious shiver swoop up my body, cooling me all over.  
"Just try not to think of the giant squid!" Marlene says wickedly from my far right, and Alice withdraws her feet hastily. Marlene cackles but I lie back on the grass, closing my eyes, with my toes skimming the water. The tensions of the exam seem to melt away. Or at least they would if Alice would stop reciting Transfiguration facts at the speed of light in my face. I moan and lazily swot the textbook she's holding out of her hands.  
"Lily!" She says, in a mock-shocked tone.  
"Come on," I say, sitting up and shaking my red hair out of its ponytail. "Relax for five minutes!"  
I lie back again, the sun warm on my face and the water cool on my feet, pondweed tickling my toes.  
"Um, Lily…" I hear Alice say.  
"I told you, relax. You'll be fine in Transfig-"  
"It's not that," she interrupts, sounding more urgent. "It's… Potter. And Snape."  
"Sev?" I sit up suddenly, blinking in the sunlight. I swing around. I see Potter and Black; they're hunched over Sev, who's lying on the ground. I sit bolt upright and run towards them, not bothering to put my shoes back on. I can hear Alice and Marlene and the others calling my name behind me but I ignore them and run towards Potter.  
There's quite a scene. Potter and Black are clearly putting on a show. Pettigrew's behind them, sniggering, and I can see a pretty large group of sixth-years watching. They look entertained. Next to them, a bunch of four-year girls stand in a mass, batting their eyelashes at Potter and Black and looking at Sev like he's a slug.  
"Wash your mouth out," I get close enough to hear Potter say scathingly to Sev. " _Scourgify!"  
_ Pink foam streams from Sev's mouth, choking him. Anger rears its head in the pit of my stomach. I run up to Potter and Black.  
"Leave him ALONE!"  
They look round. Potter rakes his fingers through his hair, dishevelling it further. His fourth-year fan club sigh adoringly. I reckon they've had too much sun.  
"All right, Evans?" Potter says, his voice dropping an octave and becoming calm, mature. It doesn't fool me.  
"Leave him alone," I say again, glaring at him. "What's he done to you?"  
"Well," Potter ponders, "It's more the fact that he _exists,_ if you know what I mean…"  
There's a ripple of laughter from the surrounding people (though not from Remus, who's reading – again.) They're all way too easily impressed, in my opinion.  
"You think you're funny," I say, trying to keep my tone as cold as possible. "But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him _alone."  
_ "I will if you go out with me, Evans." He says quickly. "Go on… go out with me and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."  
I want to scream. James Potter is the last person on earth I would want to go out with. Unfortunately, he seems to think asking me – and so _very_ sincerely – is a great way to annoy me. And he's right. It drives me mental.  
"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid." I say, crossing my arms. The fan club sigh in relief, but Potter looks momentarily crushed. For a second there, I almost thought he was genuine.  
"Bad luck, Prongs." Black says briskly. Then he sees Severus. "OI!"  
Severus is on his feet again, clutching his wand in his fist. There's a flash of light and blood trickles down Potter's face from the gash on his cheek – the result of Sev's hex. For a second, I think this is a little far – but I guess this is Potter. He started it. He started all of it.  
In a second Severus is upside-down in the air: Potter's revenge. For a second my lips turn traitor on me and twitch as though I should smile. At my best friend being bullied. I shake myself and tell Potter to let him down.  
"Certainly," he says, with an air of generosity. Sev lands in a crumpled heap on the ground and he rises quickly, holding his wand, but Black's faster. He's used _Petrificus Totalus_ in the blink of an eye and Sev falls yet again, stiff, paralysed.  
Anger sweeps through me in a red-hot wave. "LEAVE HIM ALONE!" I shout again, and this time I plunge my hand into my pocket and take out my own wand. Potter and Black eye it nervously, and I feel a grim sense of satisfaction. I don't go around hexing everyone I meet the way they do, but I can hold my own in a duel. Tangling with me when I'm this angry would not be wise.  
"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," Potter says. I wish he would. I wish I could just battle it out with him and emerge from our years-long feud victorious. But that's not likely on happen. He can hardly keep up this irritating cutesy lover-boy routine with me if he's firing jinxes in my direction.  
"Take the curse off him, then!" I retort.  
Potter sighs deeply, like he's got to make a great personal sacrifice, and mutters the counter-curse in Sev's direction.  
"There you go," he says in a hard voice as Sev stands up. "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus-"  
"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"  
I blink.  
There's a moment of silence that seems to last for a lot longer than a few seconds. Potter's jaw drops, Black's eyebrows shoot up into his swooping black fringe, and Pettigrew lets out a nervous giggle. I hear Remus drop the book he's pretending to be engrossed in and the little crowd around us all look a little shell-shocked. I look down at my bare feet. They're covered in mud. I feel small, unclean, impure. A clueless little girl standing here in the middle of a fight with no shoes, no power. The world swims strangely and I inhale, trying hard not to give away any emotion.  
"Fine." I say finally. "I won't help in future." And then I feel a strange urge to lash out; "And I'd wash my pants if I were you, _Snivellus_." The words sound petty and immature the second they're out of my mouth but the shock of his jibe still stings.  
Potter raises his wand at Severus. "Apologise to Evans!" He roars.  
I look at Potter. At his tousled hair and well-made uniform worn in a way that makes him look somehow cool, even wearing the same thing as everyone else. At the entourage who adores him and the twittering lovesick fourth-years and the OWL paper sticking out his bag, one he probably didn't study for and will somehow still get an Outstanding on. Perfect, pureblood Potter. Somehow this makes me even angrier. I don't need a defender. And if I did, it wouldn't be James Potter.  
"I don't want _you_ to make him apologise!" I shout at him, the frustration I'm feeling reaching a critical level. "You're as bad as he is."  
"What?" he yelps, and he actually looks a little hurt. "I'd NEVER call you a- you-know-what!"  
"Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you just got off your broomstick, messing around with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can - I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK!" I yell back, and then I feel tears prickling at the back of my eyes and I know I have to get away, right now, otherwise I'll start crying here in front of everyone.  
I turn around sharply and run away, leaving Potter staring after me.  
"Evans!" I hear him shout. "Hey, EVANS!" But I don't look around.  
I run past my friends, leaving my stuff, entering the castle and hurrying up the stairs. I don't stop until I reach the girls' dorm above the common room, when I finally stop and sit down on my bed. I feel strange, numb. I wait in silence until I've got my tear ducts under control. About five minutes pass before my friends come up. I can hear them outside the door, deciding on their plan of action.  
"You talk to her first, Alice, you're good at this stuff…"  
"You sure? Y'know, maybe she doesn't want to talk to anyone now. I don't think I would."  
"We should give it a shot, right? In case we can help."  
"I don't think anything anyone says can help." I hear Marlene's voice say. "Her best friend just called her a Mudblood. But honestly, I can't believe she didn't see it coming. It was only a matter of time before the little creep showed his true colours. His Slytherin gang call all the Muggle-borns Mudbloods. I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner…"  
Her voice tails off. Then she says: "You guys used _Muffliato,_ right?"  
I hear someone sigh. "If you didn't talk so loudly it wouldn't be a problem."  
"Look," Alice says. "I'm going to just go in and talk to her now."  
The door swings open and she comes in and sits down on my bed, looking at me like I'm an injured puppy. "Are you…OK?" she asks tentatively.  
"Yeah. I'm fine." I say blankly.  
"Um… did you hear what Marlene said out there?"  
"Yeah, actually, I did. But it's not her fault. Maybe I have been blind. Who'd have thought that a Gryffindor and a Slytherin could actually stay friends?" My tone sounds bitter.  
Alice slings an arm around my shoulder. "You don't need him," she says bracingly. "You have us!"  
I look up, try for a smile. "I guess." I say. "Thanks."  
But it's not the same. Sev told me about Hogwarts. He was the first person I'd ever met who knew about magic. He was my path to this entire world. I can't imagine coming here without him.  
Alice smiles at me. "I'll leave you alone for a bit, yeah? Give you some space. We'll be in the common room when you feel like coming down."  
"OK." I say, but I know I won't be coming down, not anytime soon. I need some time to get my head around what's happened.  
It's not the first time I've been called a Mudblood. In fact, the first time I didn't even know how bad it was. Alice had to explain what it really meant and that it was the most derogatory thing you could call a Muggle-born like me. I felt a little shocked and hurt but I shrugged it off pretty quickly. Why would I care what some Slytherin I'd never really talked to properly thought of me?  
But this is different because it's Severus. It feels like the ultimate act of betrayal.  
I swing myself upwards until I have enough momentum to stand on my shoulders. I look up at my feet. They're still covered with dried mud from running bare-footed on the ground after cooling my feet in the lake earlier. I let myself fall back and sit up slowly, picking the dried mud off the soles of my feet. I look at the light-brown dust on my fingertips. _Mudblood._ I crush a large flake of earth in my fist suddenly and throw the powder left to the carpeted floor. Then I use _Scourgify_ and siphon it all off with my wand, trying to erase the word in my mind along with the physical evidence of what happened today. That's the last time I try to help out Severus Snape. I try to get him out of the mess he's in and I'm the one left cleaning it up.  
I stand up suddenly and push the door open. I can't stand the thought of everyone downstairs in the common room, feeling sorry for me or feeling frustrated at my naivety. I slide down the slide leading to the common room but I hear my name before entering. I pause.  
"Well, she's only got herself to blame," I hear a voice whisper. "I mean, she made friends with a Slytherin! And one of the worst ones at that. Maybe next time she'll remember who her friends are."  
"She shouldn't have yelled at James." A second voice agrees. "Not when he was trying to stick up for her. You'd have thought she'd be a bit more grateful!"  
"Yeah, but what can you expect from someone who hangs around with Snape?!" The first voice giggles.  
I drop the door handle like I've been stung. In a way, I have. Then I grit my teeth and open the door, bursting through without stopping to look at whoever it was who was talking about me. I spot Alice and Marlene and the others sitting round the fire, playing Exploding Snap while Alice leafs through her Transfiguration notes in a worried sort of way. Then she looks up and sees me.  
"Lily!" she calls, breaking into a smile.  
"Hey, Lily, listen..." Marlene says, standing up to meet me and looking uncharacteristically nervous. "About what I said..."  
"It's OK." I say quickly. "Really. Forget it. I know you didn't mean it."  
She grins at me and pats me on the the back before returning to her Exploding Snap cards. I flop down next to Alice.  
"Feel better?"  
"Yeah, I guess so." I look at the Transfiguration book she's eyeing nervously. "Want me to test you?"  
"Thanks." She looks relieved. I try to concentrate on what she's saying but my mind keeps wondering. After fifteen minutes she stops reciting facts and formulae and asks if I'm alright.  
"Yeah, I'm fine."  
"How'd you get mud all over your hands and feet?"  
"I didn't have shoes on this afternoon, remember?"  
She gives me a pained look. "Why don't you go and wash and we'll do this later? I can tell you're not really listening..."  
"I am!" I protest.  
She shoots me a knowing look. "See you in ten." I smile at her and go upstairs. I wash and brush my teeth and dress in my pyjamas and dressing gown, then I go back downstairs to the common room. I curl up in the armchair near the fire, listening to Alice tell me all the things she doesn't know about Transfiguration and trying to convince her that she's a lot better at it than she thinks she is. I'm just starting to feel tired when Mary McDonald comes in, looking slightly harassed.  
"What's up?" Marlene asks.  
"Er... Snape's outside, Lily." she says awkwardly.  
"What?!" Alice stops mid-sentence. "Snape? What does he want?"  
"He wants to talk to you, Lil." she says. "He's threatening to sleep outside the portrait hole if you don't come out..."  
I sigh and get to my feet.  
"But you don't have to go!" Mary says hurriedly. "Just leave him!"  
"Yeah, let him sleep out there!" Marlene says savagely.  
"No, it's OK." I say. "I'll go." I drag my fingers through my damp hair and pull the belt of my dressing gown tightly around me. I make my way to the edge of the common room, take a deep breath and go outside.  
The Fat Lady is in her frame, glaring at Severus through partially closed eyes as she fakes sleep. He's hovering awkwardly, cracking his knuckles and hopping from one foot to the other. Then he opens his mouth:  
"I'm sorry."  
"I'm not interested." I say, crossing my arms defiantly.  
"I'm sorry!" He says again, more urgently.  
"Save your breath." I snap. "I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here."  
"I was." He says. "I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just..."  
"Slipped out?" I suggest, and my voice sounds bitter and sarcastic in the silent corridor. "It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends-"  
He winces a little but says nothing, avoiding my gaze. I shake my head in disbelief. "You see, you don't even deny it! You don't even deny that that's what you're aiming all to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?"  
He opens his mouth and then closes it again without saying anything. It's the final betrayal, the final piece of information I need to realise that a little Muggle-born - a Mudblood like me - is never going to be seen as an equal. Not in his eyes.  
"I can't pretend any more." I say, sadness creeping into my voice, mingling with the anger and disgust. "You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine." I can see it in my mind now, two paths, two roads. The parting of the ways.  
"No- listen, I didn't mean-" He says desperately.  
"To call me Mudblood?" I interrupt. "But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus." I pause, trying to control myself. "Why should I be any different?"  
He struggles to think of a reply, but nothing he says will make me feel better. Not after he as good as admitted that he's going to join Lord Voldemort the second he gets the chance. I stare him down for a second, then I swing back through the portrait hole and inhale deeply, pushing a shaking hand over my eyes. I know I've done the right thing. I can't be friends with a follower of Voldemort. Not even Severus Snape.  
"Lily!" Mary calls, noticing me. "What happened? Are you OK?"  
"Yeah... I'm fine..." I say unconvincingly.  
"What did he say?"  
"Do you want me to tell a professor for you?"  
"No- I'm OK, really." I say again. "I'm- I'm just going to go to bed. Get an early night, you know..."  
"Oh, OK..."  
"I'll come with you." Alice says firmly, following me up the stairs to the dorm.  
I sit down on my bed.  
"Are you sure you're OK?"  
I nod, and then my tear ducts turn traitor on me and my eyes well with tears. "It's not that he called me a Mudblood." I say, trying to clarify myself. "It's that _he_ called me a Mudblood. Someone I thought was... you know, a friend... a good friend..."  
She nods. "Do you want me to stay?"  
"No, it's OK." I say. "I know you want to revise. I'll be fine."  
"You sure?"  
I nod. "I just need some time to get my head around it."  
She smiles and nods and looks as if she's going to say something more but thinks better of it. She shuts the door quietly and goes back downstairs.  
I lie back. Strange, I think, how an eight-letter word ruined years of friendship.  
Although I suppose it wasn't just the word Mudblood. I can't be friends with someone who wants to follow Voldemort. Maybe it's better that this happened sooner rather than later. Otherwise I could be stuck here in five years time when he's in even deeper, in a world I want nothing to do with. Our friendship was probably doomed from the start.  
Maybe I have a lot to thank that eight-letter word for.  
I get into bed and pull the covers over my head. I know something changed today and I know it won't ever be the same again. But maybe that's for the best. I close my eyes and drift slowly into sleep, playing the closing of the portrait hole over and over in my head, watching it cutting me off from the best worst friend I ever had. I know it won't ever open again.


End file.
